Each year I choose one word that describes my intention for the upcoming year. Today is January 6, 2012 and a few days before the New Year I knew that my word for this year would be “Forgiveness.
As my intention for the year, the concept of forgiveness has a broad definition. Or perhaps a different definition or concept than what most people hold. Let me explain.
The word “unforgiving” has been very present in my consciousness for the last few months as I’ve gain more awareness about myself and my personality. I have not thought of myself as someone who can’t do forgiveness. I think of myself of as someone who is very willing to forgive when I believe forgiveness is called for. However, I have recently realized that the whole concept of forgiveness has a wider spectrum and a more profound meaning than I have understood before. I have come to realize that I can be a very unforgiving person. What I mean is that I am rather critical. I am critical of myself and I am critical of others.
I have never linked criticalness with the need for forgiveness before. But the truth is that when I am critical, I am unforgiving. When I severely judge myself or others I am being unforgiving. When I am unforgiving I am not offering forgiveness and therefore I am holding a grudge or resentment. Louise Hay says that when we have an illness or a disease or perhaps any physical challenge, we need to ask who is it that we need to forgive.
This is very profound to me and almost brings me to tears as I believe that perhaps I have finally found the answer – the answer to healing that I’ve been seeking for most of my adult life.
Could it be that simple? Yes I think so. It is in its simplicity that makes it so profound and so easy to recognize as the truth.
As I stated earlier, I was recently in a very difficult emotional place. I was experiencing a lot of stress with a new business project that was a higher level than I had handled before, and a short presentation that I was scheduled to give to a networking group. For whatever reason, these two things had brought on the level of anxiety that I had not experienced in a long time. And the odd thing was that at first I was not fully conscious of the intensity my fear level.
I knew I was obsessing a bit and taking longer than usual to complete the preparations, but I had no idea how stressed out I was. I started to notice that with only mild exertion my heart would start racing and would take a few minutes to come back to normal. Than it started to happen more often and not necessarily triggered by any exertion. I figured it was stress and I tried to ignore it hoping it would vanish on its own.
Then one night I awoke about 2 AM with my heart pounding once again. I was perplexed by this but was not initially concerned. I tried to relax but it would not stop. I came very close to asking to be driven to the emergency room, but I did ride it out and it ended after about an hour. It scared me and I knew that the next day I needed to consult with my doctor.
The long and the short of it is that I called a friend the next morning who strongly urge me to seek medical attention. I realized that if I called my doctor and told them I was having a racing heart that they would most likely send me directly to the emergency room. So I had a friend drive me to the ER.
I felt a “knowing” that I was fine but I also knew that I needed to be checked out medically. I had every test known to man for heart issues and sure enough I was declared to be fine.
I was well taken care of by some close friends who took turns staying with me during my five hour stay at the hospital.
After that incident I continued to have racing heart on a regular basis. I still had the client meeting and my presentation ahead of me, so the original stressors were still present. The day before my client meeting I found out that it had to be postponed for a week. That was a great relief and somehow I knew that having that extra week was what I needed to get myself back on track so my stress actually didn’t ramp back up around that. The next day I gave my presentation, so that was finally over.
I couldn’t quite believe how stressful preparing for that brief presentation had been, especially when once I was in front of my audience I was comfortable and confident. Anticipation really sucks!
After that my racing heart symptoms pretty much disappeared. And it’s interesting that I had just started re-reading the Louise Hay book at the same time. And I have no doubt that exploring my areas of unforgiveness and beginning the process of surrender also played a key role in my feeling better.
I began to practice some of the self-love exercises that Louise recommended. During my quiet time before going to sleep I would say affirmations of self-acceptance and forgiveness.
I also began doing loving kindness meditation. During this practice I would affirm myself being filled with loving kindness and I would affirm others being filled with loving kindness. In other words, I would practice loving myself as well as extending love out into the world. This practice in itself feels like an act of forgiveness. But I guess consciously practicing being loving is “preemptive forgiveness.”
As Louise Hay suggested, I also did a number of forgiveness affirmations directed at people in my past that I perceived as not treating me the way I would’ve liked to have been treated. And even though I wasn’t consciously feeling that I was holding onto any resentments toward these people, I figured I probably had some that I was unaware of and therefore did forgiveness exercises.
I then started to experience the deep shift. I had been locked into in negative space for weeks as I struggled with physical discomfort, and the emotional challenges that went along with it. I had been on a downward spiral not knowing how to get myself out of it.
I had been trying so hard in so many ways to feel better and yet the simplicity of picking up Louise Hay’s book, reading and doing some simple exercises resulted in a powerful shift. I begin to feel better. My anxiety had ceased, and I was feeling more positive and uplifted.
And as is often the way…..just as I had been on a downward spiral, I shifted into an upward spiral. And to no surprise my world began to change for the better. New clients came out of the woodwork.
The law of attraction is so predictable! And it can be so difficult to remember that and even more difficult to remember the practices that help me come to a halt, take my energetic car out of reverse and shift back into first gear to move forward once again.
I believe that the most direct route back to a positive loving space is down the road of Forgiveness.
That’s my word for 2012 and for as long as I need it.
I have the sense that it will be a daily, if not moment to moment practice.
Care to join me?
